如果你不相信三思而后言的说法，那就让我来告诉你“说对话”和“说错话”的区别有多大。
You know the difference between "I need more help around the house" and "You're so lazy," right? One is artful diplomacy; the other, like bringing in the tanks. But the strategy involved in getting your point across also applies to individual words. For instance, if you're...
“我需要你帮忙收拾下屋子”和“你真是懒死了”，这两句话的区别你总能分辨得出来吧?前者是带有艺术感的外交辞令，后者则是挑起骂战的说法。不过，把话说到点子上的策略可以具体到每个用词上，比如：
...Offering constructive criticism
想要提供建设性意见
Instead of: "You did a nice job, but the report needs to be finished."
与其说：“你做得不错，但是记得把报告做完。”
Try: "You did a nice job, and the report needs to be finished."
不如说：“你做得不错，也请记得把报告做完。”
The subtext: No matter how positive the first part of the statement, the “but” negates it. “But” might as well stand for “Behold the Underlying Truth”. Once people hear it, they're just waiting for the bad news.
潜台词：无论首句表达的意思多么积极，只要用了“但是”就否定了一切。一旦说话中出现了“但是”，就表示“注意说话人的话中话”。因此，一旦人们听到了“但是”，他们就会等着听后面的坏消息了。
...Asking your spouse to change a behavior
想要请求伴侣做出改变
Instead of: "Will you stop smoking for my sake?"
与其说：“你能不能为了我戒烟?”
Try: "Will you stop smoking for the sake of the kids?"
不如说：“你能不能为了孩子戒烟?”
The subtext: Your spouse may resent your wanting to change his ways—and use that resentment as an excuse not to change. Putting the focus on a third party removes you from the equation. And focusing on children makes people think in terms of their ideal selves.
潜台词：你的伴侣可能已经厌烦了你总是期望他能改变，然后就用这种厌烦情绪来作为拒绝改变的借口。既然如此，那就就把焦点放在第三方，让自己从等式的两边摆脱出来。而把焦点放在孩子身上，会使人产生一种变成“理想的我”的想法。
...Presenting a problem to your boss
想要向老板提出问题
Instead of: "They have issues with the sales staff."
与其说：“他们觉得销售人员有问题。”
Try: "We have issues with the sales staff."
不如说：“我们觉得销售人员有问题。”
The subtext: Replacing “they” with “we” can change your outlook and the viewpoint of others. After all, if we're not part of the solution, we're part of the problem.
潜台词：用“我们”来代替“他们”可以改变你的立场和其他人的观点。毕竟，如果我们不是解决问题的一方，那就是制造问题的一方了。
...Trying to make someone see your side
想要别人理解你的观点
Instead of: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was stupid."
与其说：“我知道你想给我一个惊喜，但是不事先通知我们就改变计划，这么做很愚蠢。”
Try: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was not helpful."
不如说：“我知道你想给我一个惊喜，但是不事先通知我们就改变计划，这么做帮助不大。”
The subtext: As President Obama learned the hard way this summer in discussing the arrest of Henry Louis Gates Jr., stupid is an inflammatory word. Rather than labeling others' actions, convey the effect of those actions.
潜台词：奥巴马总统在今年夏天关于小亨利-路易斯-盖茨被铺一事中学到的惨痛教训就是，“愚蠢”是一个具有煽动性的词汇。与其给别人的行动贴上标签，不如客观地表达这些行为背后的影响。
